Posts tagged ‘Comic Relief’

The Bachelor Pad: An Attempt of Definition

Bachelor Pad

          The term ‘Bachelor Pad’ is commonly used in our society, usually when a guy gets a place of his own. It’s a big step for men across the board because you’re either leaving the nest, skipping away from the unsuccessful relationship, or deciding it’s time to adopt a new lifestyle. Whichever your reason is, it’s pretty damn cool. But what is the true definition of a ‘Bachelor Pad’? Can you really define something so immense with just a simple phrase? I don’t believe it’s possible, but I’ll try my best…

          Space – Whether you have a lot of space or not, it’s really not that important. Because whether you have 700 square feet or 2,000, you’re going to invite the same amount of people to your parties anyway.

          Friends – You may experience some temporary loneliness in the early days of living at the Pad. But no need to worry, this changes rather quickly. Suddenly your friends are your best friends and your best friends are your new roommates. Neighbors will begin asking to borrow spices that you can’t even pronounce, all in an attempt to attend the next shindig on Saturday. Hell, if you don’t have friends now (and you want some)…get your own place.

          Food – You only need the essentials, nothing more.

  1. Peanut butter and jelly is an absolute must. PBJ can be eaten for breakfast, lunch, dinner, or a drunken snack.
  2. You should probably have some chicken breast in the house. Whether it’s frozen or fresh, chicken is a safe and rather healthy meat to keep handy.
  3. Ramen Noodles continues to be the most commonly consumed food on Earth. At ten cents per pack; can you really afford not to buy it?
  4. Condiments are necessary because they can turn a single dish that tastes like throw-up into a dish that tastes like it was made by angels. I prefer barbeque sauce over all the rest but ketchup, mustard, relish, and random salad dressings will work as well.
  5. Chips and/or snacks are always nice to have lying around. I prefer Cheez-Its and Goldfish but the numerous styles of potato chips does a body good (not really).

          Drinks – You can probably guess these pretty easily. Beer, soda, some kind of sugar drink, and beer. Depending on how wealthy you are, the beer can be either Natural Light or Guinness. For a guy like me, I pay the generous $13 for a 30-pack of brew. One’s personal preference will account for what kind of soda is kept in the house. Having something on hand like Coke or Diet Coke is usually beneficial because it can be drank by itself or as a mixer with alcohol. And finally, the sugary drink is something like Vitamin Water, Gatorade, or Kool Aid. I know that includes a wide range of juicy-type stuff, but you get what I mean.

          Furniture – It’s really not a big deal. As long as you have a bed to sleep in and a couch to sit on, you’re golden. Lights? I guess you could have them just in case, but the illumination from the hundreds of electronics should be more than enough. And you’ll notice, right before you move out, everyone and their mother wants to get rid of furniture that looks like it’s out of a movie from the 1960’s. Feeling retro?

          Entertainment – This is where it gets good, where the ‘Pad’ earns its name. Guys like entertainment and entertainment likes us back. Televisions, computers, radios, Blu-Ray players, DVDs, cell phones, iPod tuners, PS3’s, and cameras, are just a few of the necessities you’ll find around a guy’s place. And this becomes entertaining within itself: just to see if a man’s television cost him more than every bit of furniture that makes up the rest of the house. Usually, and in my own case, this is 100% true. We may be sitting on milk crates that cause our ass to go numb in under 15 minutes, but how great does that Redskins’ game look on that 50” HD?

          So there you have it – the simple bare necessities of a Bachelor Pad. I’m sure there are a few things I forgot, I mean I didn’t even get into kitchen appliances, but this list can get the party started. Leave a comment with ideas, additions, subtractions, or hateful remarks…I welcome it all.

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July 21, 2009 at 3:05 am 2 comments

Weekends Are Simple: Eat, Sleep, and Drink

Peter GriffinBelieve it or not, some people actually feel that weekends are the “down” part of the week. Some say they have nothing to do, some say they just end up lying around all day, and some say they can never get anything done. Well today I just had to vent, get a little something off my chest, and explain to those people how easy and simple the weekend really is. All you have to do to have a fun, productive, and jam-packed weekend is follow three simple rules. Eat, sleep, and drink. Please read on…

 

[As much as I don’t want to sit around and talk about myself, I have to for the sake of a good example.]

 

I work, like most, Monday thru Friday from 7am to 6pm. Perhaps you work a little more, a little less, way more, whatever, it doesn’t really matter. Either way, you should look forward to your weekend as much as I do. By the time Thursday rolls around, I’m counting down the minutes until 5:59pm on Friday. I may not have money, plans, or the slightest idea of what I’m doing, but I know it’s going to be good. As long as I eat, sleep, and drink, I know my weekend will work out just fine. Here’s my breakdown from a typical weekend in the life…

 

            Friday – I wake up at 5:30am on Friday more amped up then any other day of the week. I’m at work by 6:30 and I have a cup of coffee by 6:32. My day of work officially starts at 7. By the time my lunch hour rolls around, which is normally 12pm, I can’t take it because we’re “too busy” and I’m forced to take my lunch break at 1. No problem. For lunch I head out to the local mall with a co-worker and we gorge ourselves with Taco Bell cheesy gooey smoochy taco crap (suddenly my weekend looks bright and my stomach feels bubbly). We then head back to work, finish the day around 4:45 and sit on our hands until 6. But during that hour or so of complete boredom, we plan for the evening. Some people are good at making plans, getting together with friends days and days prior, but not so much this guy. Instead, when I receive texts from my friends that say “what are you doing tonight?”, I simply respond with “taking over the world”. Finally 6 o’clock rolls around and we head to our cars. I get home, I shower. I get dressed for who knows what and I sit down to eat some junk food. My phone buzzes and it looks like we’re heading to lovely College Park for the evening. College Park Maryland, home of the Terrapins, and one of the dirtiest cities in the state. (When you go to College Park, you already know you’re going to drink a lot, eat a lot, and probably sleep somewhere uncomfortable….but at least it follows those three basic rules.) My disgusting Honda Accord carries three friends and me up the Beltway and into College Park. We park at the University and walk over to the old stomping grounds, Knox Box Apartments. (Knox Box Apartments are just square buildings split into unappealing apartments that are vacated more by rats and roaches than actual people.) The yard is covered in beer cans, full of people, and loud music is blaring. After participating in numerous drinking games and not performing very well at all, my stomach calls. A few friends and I stumble to a nearby 7-Eleven and purchase as many taquitos (God’s way of kicking you in the stomach) as we can. We stumble back to the yard and participate in more drinking games, perform extremely bad, and end up with hundreds of spill stains on our clothes. Suddenly a person from the crowd, that would later be labeled as a ‘genius’, suggests the bright idea of heading down to the bars. Although no one needs the bar, the bar doesn’t need us, and none of us have any money, we head down anyway. The bar is fun, you see Terps players, tons of people, and maybe you get a free shot or two. By the time 1:30am rolls around, I’m hungry again. One of my traveling partners also realizes he has work in the morning and should probably think about heading back. So we drive to a local fast food joint…ugh…Taco Bell. (It’s actually not twice in one day; it’s more like having Taco Bell for lunch on Friday and for breakfast on Saturday. Does that make it any better?). After receiving our food through the drive-thru, we pull into a parking spot in order better enjoy our tasty grub. The air in the car is blasting, the radio is not, and the sound of three men chewing Grade D beef bounces off the windows. What happens next is quite ridiculous. I wake up, most likely because I had the chills, with Taco Bell on my shirt and two guys passed out in the car with tomatoes and lettuce covering the seats and floor. It felt so damn good in the car, while sitting in a completely unsafe College Park parking lot, that we all fell asleep for about two hours. My gas tank is now on ‘E’ because the A/C was blasting and we should really be getting on our way because, again, my friend has to be at work in four hours. We finally make it home, I stumble in the house, my friends head home, and we wisely call it a night.

 

            Saturday – I wake up rather early, around nine, and head upstairs to pour myself some coffee (it’s like fuel for a human). I sit down on the porch and stare at things that mean nothing: a green rocking chair, a squirrel, the grass, and birds building a nest. After thinking to myself about last night, I decide to be a little more productive. I head out to run my “errands”. My errands on this particular Saturday were quite extensive. I stopped by the ATM, headed over to another bank to handle a few things (no worries, I’m fine), and then headed over to the barber for an uneven shape-up. After the butcher is finished slicin’ and dicin’, I realize I need stamps in order to mail out a credit card bill. I know I can pay it online but apparently I like to make things difficult for myself. Anyway, I head into the grocery store and head straight to the magazine aisle (This is actually where I discovered the Taco Bell cheese on my shirt. I was wearing the same clothes from the night before).There’s a new edition of Slam, a new fantasy football magazine, and a Maxim magazine with some exotic looking female on the front. About twenty minutes go by and I hop in my car….forgetting the damn stamps. I ponder whether or not to head back into the store and I ultimately decide that sending out the bill isn’t all that important. I text one of the guys from last night who lives near by, he says to head over to drink by the pool. I didn’t want to, I swear, but he twisted my arm. I get to my buddy’s house and we watch the Celebrity Golf tournament and drink beers for roughly five hours. We both fall asleep and wake up forty five minutes later with the super idea of playing basketball. We text some friends, about ten in all, and give them the time to meet us down at the courts. By the time we’re ready to play, we have three guys. The three of us play about a half dozen games of ‘50’ until we realize it’s just not worth it. I have the wise decision to bet on the next game. Only one man can win, it wasn’t me, and I decide it’s time to shower. It’s about 8pm when I am finally clean enough to sit on my couch and watch some sport recap. By 9pm some friends and I are drinking beers in the backyard (we call it “being American”) and telling stupid stories…about each other. At 10:30 we decided to carry the brigade over to a friend’s house, for no particular reason, and sit around her place drinking a few more beers. A few of us are fading fast, it was perfect weather to be on the porch, and we decide to wrap it up around 2:30am. On the way home I have no way to avoid the illuminated 7-Eleven sign and I stop in to buy a few taquitos, a bag of chips, and a tall iced tea. I head home. I eat, and then fall asleep in my bed (not too shabby).

 

            Sunday – I do the typical wake-up with coffee on the porch. Around 10:30am I get a call from a friend saying he has four tickets to go see the Nationals play at 1:30. They may be the worst team in the league with only twenty-something wins, but the stadium has beer and good food. By 12pm, four of us are on our way to the metro to catch the green line down to Anacostia. The stadium is awesome, the team is not. We immediately hit the beer stand, which is cash only. Do I have cash? Of course not, I walk another ten sections (geez!) and buy my cold Bud Light in those sweet aluminum bottles. Fortunately for us, there’s a two beer limit per person at one time. I take my overly expensive beer and $4 bag of peanuts to our seats. The seats are awesome, prime foul ball-catching territory, about 20 rows behind home plate. We sit and watch the first couple innings with the sun beating down on our backs, causing us to sweat like disgusting animals. The game was rather entertaining in the beginning (Cubs @ Nats) but the smell of food was entering the nostrils. A few beers later we all head up to get some Ben’s Chili Bowl (if you don’t know about Ben’s Chili Bowl, find out here www.benschilibowl.com). We all get a half-smoked “All the Way” with a Bud Light to wash the belly. We get back to our seats just in time to watch the Cubbies stroke the home team for seven runs in one inning. By the time the seventh inning rolled around, we watched Adam Dunn hit a pointless homerun and decided to head out (The Nats eventually lost, 11-3). On the drive home we talked about needing to do something active. The whole day had been eating and drinking in the sun. We decide to try and get another basketball game together. We send out the mass text message to the same people and hope for a better turnout than last time. On our way to the court, we realize we need something to eat. What better food to eat before playing numerous games of basketball than Popeye’s Chicken? We take our food down to the basketball court and I down my last bite just seconds before checking the ball in a three-on-three pickup game. I was happy for a decent turnout. By game number 3, my stomach felt like I ate a piece of lead and was kicked in the stomach by Steven Segal. But then again, I’m sure the beers from about two hours ago didn’t help either. We played for a rather long time….bringing out that sweat that we had become so familiar with. The sun began to fade and so did the players. Everyone parted ways. I got home and immediately showered. I obviously can’t sit on furniture while being drenched in sweat that is so similar to urine. After the shower I had a calling, from my stomach, and he said he wanted to eat. However, this time I decided to take a slightly different road. No Taco Bell and no fried chicken. No fast food at all, in fact. For dinner, I enjoyed grilled salmon with a plain baked potato and salad while watching the HBO series ‘Entourage’. I’m such a health nut.

            Now maybe this doesn’t sound like a nice weekend. Maybe you think it’s gross…because it is. But after working so much during the week and dealing with, what I feel are, the dumbest people on the planet; I should be able to do whatever I want. Am I blabbering? Absolutely, but I just wanted to make a point that people shouldn’t waste their weekends and they shouldn’t take them for granted. Weekends are the best time of the week. Just remember: do plenty of eating, sleeping, and drinking.

July 20, 2009 at 4:24 am Leave a comment

Why did Ron Artest hop in the shower with Kobe Bryant?

Kobe and Ron Artest

Ron Artest is a little loose in the head, we all know that (see: Palace Brawl). But is he weird enough to hop in the shower with Kobe Bryant after a game? They weren’t even on the same team!

CBS reports,

Kobe said that after the Lakers lost game six of the ‘08 NBA Finals in Boston by 39 points, he was alone in the shower, just fuming. He heard somebody walk in and assumed it was one of his teammates, or maybe a staff member. Instead, he looked up, and it was Ron Artest (to this day, Kobe has no idea how Artest got into the locker room).

“I want to come help you,” Artest said. “If I can, I’m going to find a way to come to LA and give you the help you need to win a title.”

Are you kidding me? I guess it’s a good thing that Artest finally landed in LA, otherwise he’d be peeking in on Kobe all the time. Luckily for Ron Ron, he can shower with Kobe after every game next season.

July 8, 2009 at 1:16 am Leave a comment

WTF?: Two Fifth-Graders Are Busted For Selling Pot At School

wtf1

There’s always an article that you read or a story that you hear that just makes you scratch your head and say, “Really?”

Those precise moments in one’s life are what I like to call, “WTF Moments”. You may be unfamiliar with the label but I promise you you’ve had one. Take this story reported by FoxNews.com for example:

Police have arrested two fifth-graders on charges that they were selling marijuana at their eastside Indianapolis elementary school.

Warren Township school spokesman Dennis Jarrett says a student told school officials he saw a classmate at Brookview Elementary sell a “marijuana-like substance” to another student Tuesday morning.

Police confirmed that the substance was a small amount of marijuana and arrested the two boys, ages 10 and 11.

The boys were arrested on juvenile charges of dealing and possessing marijuana and taken to the Marion County Juvenile Detention Center. Both were suspended from school, pending an investigation.

 

April 23, 2009 at 11:00 pm Leave a comment

Music To Make You Smile: Satchmo Takes The Cake

I’m sure you’ve heard about, or come in contact with, those people that search YouTube religiously. And I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m one of those people. YouTube is easily the most entertaining site on the web and you can find almost anything in the universe on there. I love to search for musical performances, amongst so many other searches, and I found one particular video that I guarantee can make anyone smile. Louis Armstrong was not only an extremely gifted musical talent, he gave off so much personality. Check out this short clip of Armstrong performing “A Kiss to Build a Dream On” and “Blueberry Hill” and try NOT to smile just a little bit…

If you didn’t crack even a slight smile then there is a problem…

March 10, 2009 at 4:46 am Leave a comment

Must Read: Kangaroo Breaks Into Man’s Home, Starts A Fight

kangaroo-attack

Too bad this story came out in March. Had this story came out any later in the year, I may have labeled it “Story of the Year”. I’m not sure if the story itself makes it a great read or if it’s the victim’s quotes. If you don’t want to read the whole article from FoxNews.com, at least take a look at the phrases in bold font (I highlighted the good parts!). Take a look…

CANBERRA, Australia —  When a dark intruder smashed through his bedroom window and repeatedly bounced on his bed, Beat Ettlin was initially relieved to discover it was a kangaroo.

“My initial thought when I was half awake was: it’s a lunatic ninja coming through the window,” the 42-year-old told The Associated Press on Monday. “It seems about as likely as a kangaroo breaking in.”

But his relief was short-lived. Moments later, he heard his 10-year-old son Leighton Beman scream from bed: “There’s a ‘roo in my room!”

“I thought: This can be really dangerous for the whole family now,” Ettlin said.

The extraordinary ordeal for the family of four began at 2 a.m. Sunday in their house in the upmarket Canberra suburb of Garran.

Ettlin, a chef originally from the Swiss city of Stans, wrestled the thrashing and bleeding 90 pound marsupial out the front door.

“I had just my Bonds undies on. I felt vulnerable,” he said, referring to a popular Australian underwear brand.

The kangaroo, which Ettlin said was around his height, 5 foot 9 inches, left a trail of blood through the house and claw gouges in the wooden frame of his bed.

Ettlin, who was left wearing just his shredded underpants and with scratch marks on his leg and buttocks, described himself as “lucky.”

The kangaroo vanished into a nearby forest from where it likely came. The family reported the intrusion to police and to wildlife authorities.

The animal hopped a fence to reach the family’s backyard. The family suspects it felt trapped and tried to escape the yard through the bedroom window which is about 5 feet above the ground. It was likely cut by the broken glass.

Kangaroos rarely harm humans, but when they do, it is usually because they feel cornered. They have been known to disembowel people with the claws of their powerful hind legs.

Although it had been a dangerous and harrowing experience, Ettlin’s wife could see a funny side to the family’s unusual predicament.

“I think he’s a hero: a hero in Bonds undies,” Verity Beman, 39, said of her husband.

Awesome…

March 9, 2009 at 11:31 pm Leave a comment

Viral Video: Bizkit The Sleep-Walking Dog

I like to post the latest and greatest from the world of viral video. The newest one I’ve seen myself is of a guy named Bizkit. Actually, I’m only assuming it’s a guy but it would be funny no matter what the gender. What starts out as a slight leg twitch for Bizkit, suddenly turns into a painful ending after a 20-second daze of hardcore dreaming. Oh, and by the way, Bizkit is a canine. Take a look…

March 5, 2009 at 2:35 am Leave a comment

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