Thursday Night’s Three-Ring Circus: The Eagles

Word has it that Michael Vick will play the entire first quarter of tonight’s match-up between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Let the chaos begin.

Thursday night’s game can easily be compared to a circus. A traveling circus that is, with bearded ladies and family bands. Head coach Andy Reid will play the role of the robust freak show, temporarily demoting the singing bearded lady (although similar in stature). Michael Vick will serve as the Dog Entertainer, screw juggling. And ol’ Donovan McNabb will serve as the crash dummy, the poor man who is along for the ride and gets the worst of the bumps.

With protestors and radical PETA members storming the gates, tonight’s game will be nothing shy of entertaining.

Michael Vick Signs With Philly

Finally, the drama comes to an end.

Michael Vick signed with the Philadelphia Eagles yesterday, a one-year deal worth $1.6 million. The deal also carries a team option for the second year worth $5.2 million.

Surprised? Certainly. Philly kept their name out of the media’s mouth for the entire ordeal. The latest reports had Vick signing with either Pittsburgh or Carolina, but no word of Philly.

Vick is allowed to play the last two Eagles’ preseason games and I would expect to see him playing a lot in those games. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has stated that Vick can expect full reinstatement by Week 6 of the regular season.

So what does it all mean? No one can really say. I think it’s a great move by the Eagles. Although Vick comes with a larger price tag than expected, he is a perfect weapon for the NFC East for the simple fact that no other team in the division has one. The Giants, Redskins, and Cowboys don’t have that Wildcat-like player that can come in and make plays. Don’t get me wrong, the teams have “weapons” such as Jacobs in New York, Felix Jones in Dallas, and Mr. Nobody in Washington, but it’s not a Vick-like player. With that being said, we have no idea what kind of shape Vick is in. Has he lost a step? Is he weaker? Does he have any football IQ left? Can he play quarterback again? Bringing in Vick also benefits the Eagles because the organization decides Vick’s future after his first season, meaning there is no financial bindings on the team.

Win for Vick. Win for Philly. For now….

Update on Michael “K-9” Vick

If I have to hear one more time that Michael Vick is signing with someone by the end of this week, I may just order one of those personalized jersies with Vick’s name on the back and start my own ‘official’ rumor. It’s getting to be a little much. Does it really matter where Vick ends up? He won’t come into the season until week six, and then people expect him to take over at quarterback?!?! Gimme a break.

Vick, because I do believe he will be signed, will be used as a jack-of-all-trades if for anything at all. He may play a little quarterback, a little receiver, a little decoy, whatever — but the guy will not be a starting quarterback this year. And for those who think Vick will be a substantial upgrade to your team, think again. His input will be very minimal and he just so happens to be human, meaning his production will be minimal as well.

So, as a close and dear friend of Michael Vick and one of his many trusted advisors (lie), I have come up with a plan that will really help Mr. Vick get back on his feet. (Drumroll…) Michael Vick becomes the newest addition to the hip-hop world when he changes his name to ‘K-9’ and starts dropping platinum rap albums!

I don’t want to lie and say I thought this through, but I did spend about six seconds on it. But please, hear me out! Instead of keeping the football fanbase guessing on where the hell Vick will end up, he becomes a rapper and eliminates all 32 teams. Instead of Vick getting paid the league-minimum, he gets paid like all the other rap artists and collects royalties. And instead of struggling in the league only to be ridiculed by millions of fans, ‘K-9’ can spend his time showing you around his mansion on MTV Cribs. Doesn’t sound all that bad, huh?

I think the main problem with Mike Vick and his “comeback” is that he thinks that football is all he has — and this is obviously not true. How do I know this? Well other than the fact that I’m his friend, advisor, and all that jazz; Vick’s first interview since being released from prison was actually conducted with hip-hop mogul ‘Young Jeezy’. That’s right, instead of interviewing with ’60 Minutes’, ESPN, or sitting down on Oprah’s couch, Vick decided to hop on camera with Young Jeezy during his  ‘America’s Most Wanted Tour’. Did Tony Dungy advise that?

I can see it now: “K-9 Tops Charts with Hit Song, ‘It’s Just A Dog’.”

Note: I am not a Michael Vick “hater”. I support Michael Vick and I thoroughly believe that he has paid his debt to society for being a complete frickin’ idiot. He does deserve a second chance in the NFL. However, using your rapper friends to get yourself into the hip-hop game just sounds a little easier.

Michael Crabtree: Just Another Wide Receiver Diva?

 

This can’t be good.

Michael Crabtree has already lived up to the stereotype that ‘all receivers are divas’. Before ever taking the field as a professional athlete, Crabtree is already unhappy with his contract negotiations. I suppose that it’s one thing to be unhappy, but it’s completely different when you threaten not to play.

The San Francisco 49er’s drafted Michael Crabtree out of Texas Tech University with the tenth overall selection in the NFL Draft this past April. As we all know with first-round draft choices, every rookie waits on each other in order to maximize the dollar amount on their first-ever NFL paycheck. Although I feel like rookies get paid entirely too much money as it is, the wait-and-see approach by agents really does make the most sense. However, as reports have stated, Crabtree wants the money that a #3 overall draft pick would earn (a.k.a. Crabtree wants #3 money). In fact, Crabtree wants #3 money so bad that he has actually threatened to sit out the entire 2009 season and re-enter into the NFL Draft in April of 2010. And please take note before all hell breaks loose, these are rumors. Crabtree’s cousin, who also happens to be his adviser, stated that M.C. would not play for the Niners unless he was paid what he is worth. Crabtree’s agent, on the other hand, has stated that this rumor could not be farther from the truth. But with Crabtree yet to take the field or suit up, it’s beginning to look like the Niners are going to be one Crabtree shy come opening Sunday.

It was kind of apparent that Crabtree was a little “flashy” when he was at Texas Tech (new shape-up every three days, phat diamond earrings, cocky personality, etc.). But acting like a spoiled brat before ever putting on an NFL jersey is only hurting yourself. Back in 2007, the number two overall pick was Calvin Johnson, a receiver out of Georgia Tech. Johnson held out for eight days until he finally signed his six-year deal worth $64 million ($27.2 guaranteed).  With that contract in mind, I can only imagine that Crabtree is looking for something in the general ballpark – and I can’t see that happening.

Do the 49er’s need a franchise receiver? Absolutely. But when a man threatens your team (if reports are accurate), how do you continue on with firm beliefs that he will be a loyal and care-free employee? We’re talking about a multi-million dollar asset that’s apart of a multi-million dollar franchise…

We may not know the details of the drama, but it sure doesn’t look good on the cover.

Albert Pujols, The Best Ever?

For a guy that was never fortunate enough to watch the great ball players like Ruth, Mays, Aaron, and Gehrig, I would have to say that Albert Pujols is the greatest baseball player I’ve ever seen.

Of course I have seen the ol’ timers play on re-runs and classic highlight reels, but to actually sit and watch a live Cardinals’ game with Albert Pujols is awesome. Whether he’s in the field or at the plate, Pujols alone makes me sit down and watch a game.

Last night, in the bottom of the 10th inning, Pujols smacked his FIFTH  Grand Slam of the season. This led me to think that Pujols’ quick-stats need to be posted as some food for thought. I know you can find them quickly at ESPN.com, but perhaps this is for self-ammusment as well. The stats below are based on Pujols’ 8.3 years as a professional.

• Pujols has 355 home runs in his short professional career, hitting at least 32 home runs in every season.
• He has 1,074 RBI’s, including 130 in his ROOKIE season and never hitting anything less than 100 every season.
• He is a lifetime .333 hitter, recording 1,651 hits in 4,952 at-bats.
• Pujols is a .323 hitter in 53 career postseason games, including 13 HR and 35 RBI’s with a SLG% of .593.
• Per 162 games played, you can expect Pujols to jack 43 homers, hit 129 RBI’s, and have a SLG% of .628.
• He is an amazing fielder….I’ve seen it!
• And if you questioned his strikeouts: For every strikeout Pujols records, he gets an average 1.5 base on balls.

Now, I don’t know about sabermetrics and I’m no where close to that Peter Gammons dude. However, I know when a baseball player is entertaining and I know whether or not he’s decent. Phat Albert is one of the greatest players, if not the greatest player, to ever play the game.

Any takers?

Eli Manning Becomes Highest-Paid Player In Football

A source has reported to ESPN that Eli Manning and the New York Giants have reached a deal that will make Manning the highest-paid player in the National Football League.

The six-year contract, worth a reported $97 million, will keep Manning with the Giants through the 2015 season and will include a reported $35 million in guaranteed cash.

Eli was named the Super Bowl MVP in 2008 when the Giants came from behind to defeat the New England Patriots. Although, you may better remember him from the 2004 NFL Draft when he was selected first overall by the San Diego Chargers. But, rather than follow the rules and play for the team that selected him, Eli cried and cried and threatened to sit out unless he was traded. Ever since then, Eli has been on my personal sh*t list.

 Does one football fan’s view of a guy really matter? Of course not, I’ve never met the guy and probably never will. But crying and pouting until you get your way is suppose to end in preschool. Eli is still a baby. And for those who think I’m coming off as an ‘Eli-Hater’…you’re right.

In no way am I convinced that Eli Manning is worth more than his brother Peyton. Not only is Peyton better overall (strategizing, mechanics, managing, leading, etc.), but I would argue that a few other quarterbacks from around the league could have started for the 2008 New York Giants and they would have still been Super Bowl Champs. Eli overpaid? I think so.

Plexiglass Burress Indicted By Grand Jury

Former New York Giants’ receiver Plaxico Burress was indicted on weapons charges today after he shot himself in the leg while visiting a Manhattan nightclub last year.

ESPN reports that the indictment charged the 31-year-old Burress with two counts of criminal possession of a weapon and one count of reckless endangerment. Burress faces up to three and a half years in prison and will likely never take the football field again… at least not in the NFL.

So that’s the info and legal jargon bull crap. Now from a fan’s standpoint, this basically means a trial is coming for Plexiglass and his only chance to play football will be with the UFL.

English Boxer Wants a Sex Change, Hopes To Continue Fighting

Robert Newbiggin is 44-years-old. All he knows is boxing. For the past 20 years, Newbiggin has competed in the ring, defended titles (he’s actually awful), and even trained with Ricky Hatton as the former champion’s primary sparring partner.

How things have changed…

Robert Newbiggin has stated that he will soon be known simply as, Mercedes. Newbiggin has planned a sex change and hopes to continue his boxing career in the female circuit.

“Newbiggin says though he has the physical characteristics of a man, he was born with high levels of estrogen that make his gender identity less than clear”, Fox News reports.

In addition to boxing, Mercedes also plans on working as a model once his transformation is complete.

Good luck buddy.

Shaq Does Pro Wrestling, Provides Amusing Photo

Shaq thought wrestling was “real“.

Although I find this idiotic and absurd, in Shaq’s defense, he looked pretty good for approaching 40-years-old.

Eminem Has Nude Pictures Of Mariah Carey?

That’s the recent rumor published by Fox News.

Rapper Eminem and pop-star Mariah Carey apparently had a fling back in 2001. Ever since their split, the two have been going back and forth with ‘he-said-she-said’ crap. Eminem has released a new song, titled “The Warning”, that spills the intimate details of the couple’s brief relationship and threatens to leak photos and voicemails if Carey and her clown husband Nick Cannon don’t “back-off”.

Eminem’s new song is a response to a diss track previously recorded by Mariah Carey entitled “Obsessed”. The video includes a character that appears to be Eminem (it’s actually Carey disguised something awful). Carey goes onto to call Eminem “delusional” for implying that he slept with her in his song “Bagpipes for Baghdad”.

It should also be noted that Nick Cannon reportedly “slammed” Eminem for being obsessed with his wife. This comes off as extremely funny to me. The fact that Nick Cannon thinks he can sing/rap/yelp/spit is absolutely ridiculous.

….::Check Out Eminem’s Response Track “The Warning” below….:::….